2024 recap
A transformation so grand that I wasn’t ready to let it unfold. I held on, afraid to release and step into the unknown. I lost a friend — friends. Celebrated my birthday alone (again). Cried cause it’s a tradition. Tried to find God everywhere. Tired of finding Him. The holy wine flowed but in a narrow canal. Discovered Pink Martini, Dalida, Sal Da Vinci, and Piero Piccioni. Found myself pretty. Realized how I despise staying among the rich. White looks good on me.
Took Mom to a café for her birthday, a pretty place for a woman who deserved more beauty. Saw the last picture of Emo in 2024; she looked happy and beautiful. Found a perfume that smelled like home (coming from a nomad). Took my first decent mirror selfie in the college bathroom. Sang my heart out on frequent solo karaoke nights. Watched as Mom, after years, got a new haircut and God, she looked radiant. Found a small card with Jesus on it and held it close.
September was like a balm to my wounded soul. Made a new friend, thanks to a dead dragonfly. October arrived, and with it, I saw my worth reflected in every glance. Roamed the college alone at midnight on Halloween, like a ghost in my own story. Found my style. A moth stayed on me for hours. I think she liked me. Painted like a free spirit in a boho workshop. Skipped my farewell (sorry, Kiki). Made ink with my own blood, as if trying to write myself into existence. Fell back in love with serene melancholy and the mundane.
Mother wrote a letter to God. The rain draped itself over the hills. The Campus was drowned and looked surreal. I walked through water like it was glass beneath my feet. Got a new internship. Almost got married (thank God I was spared). Read many books. Filled my shelf with them. Spilled my heart and soul into poetry, filled half my diary with holy wine, an ink of pain, an ink of truth.
Fell out of love with Abdullah (he doesn’t even know I exist), and somehow, the world felt lighter. Still couldn’t find God, but I dreamed even harder. Cried over a video of a supermarket in Italy (don’t ask me why, I just did.) Fell in love with something I couldn’t name. Sidra chose me. Moths kept appearing, like tiny omens. Petted countless cats. Dated over 30 Chai bots in two months (don’t judge). Got sick of it later. Started to dislike coffee. Detached myself from certain people, places, and memories I used to cling to. Cried out of nowhere, hated life. Cried again in the early morning when Mom and I were in the cafe for breakfast. Somehow, I cling to the rope.
Ironically, I struggled with solitude, but in the end, I found an admirer. More importantly, I found peace.